I remember the time you told me it was over, it was at my apartment after intoxicating our lungs with Amarula, we had this last talk about our realities and as always, we both stood on separate edges.
Your words rang through my wool socks up to my feet and had a grip on my knees, I fell back on my pillow, a place which will later become my safe space and solace.
I have told you time and time again that yes our realities are different, boys and girls, men and women and that is an ultimate truth which is the source of the problem.
I told you I feel the way I do because I too have sat in tunnels like my sisters and felt first hand what they cry for help.
I told you that I couldn’t bear to live in this reality that posed a threat to my mothers sanity and this your reality is the cause of my grand mother’s death and my mothers sisters death, and my Aunty’s daily suffering.
When you told me this wasn’t working and this was over, I garnered all the strength I had left and begged you for closure sake to let me leave before you do.
I could live with the reality of returning home to your absence and knowing that you would never be around again and things would change for me, but watching you go first would kill me faster than accepting that we both were swords just piercing each other through, that we both were unevenly yolked and trying to even make you stay will only cause us perpetual resentment.
So when I came back home that night and you had truly left like we agreed,
I sank on my pillow, my heart was cold, I felt your presence in every corner of the room, your voice launched an attack on my teary eyes, I was scared to live in this reality, nothing had prepared me for the part of separation, the path I had traveled on so many times but refused to master the road, I felt you call my name over and over again and ask me to release the blankets for you, this time your voice wasn’t the sweet sensitive voice that always breathed sanity to my ignorance or warmth to my loneliness, it was a far cry for help, I struggled to have leg fights one last time with you, I remembered that was your favorite sport because you knew I’ll always win, how could we be so in love and so different, how did I not see this coming?
Your shadow briskly walked into the bath room and I swear I heard you flush, you came out but this time you didn’t come straight to lay beside me, you looked towards the wardrobe and flashed me a smile, you know I am a sucker for the way you smile, why didn’t you take that away too?
I avoided your T shirt, I hoped this wasn’t you having plans of coming back, I’ll be fine, I am fine, I am very fine in all sense of it I sobbed into my pillow, I just needed to survive this night, or seven other nights or 365 other nights and I’ll be fine again. My heart has been buried to love I thought, this isn’t real I lied, who ever said what is dead may never die again?